The painful reality of love comes clearly into focus for every boy around the time he enters adolescence: he is not worthy of it just for existing.

For every moment of his life until this clarity he believes the opposite. He is nourished by the love of his mother.

The mother is a source of pure and divine love. She doesn't care how good he is at anything. She doesn't care what his interests are. She doesn't care how he chooses to express himself, who he hangs out with, or how he spends his free time. The mother doesn't care how hard her son works, or whether he succeeds at anything. She loves him.

Of course she will have opinions. A good mother will attempt to instill discipline and work ethic. She'll tell him to do his homework, not stay out too late, and minimize the time spent on video games. She'll discourage addictions and punish him when he gets in trouble. She'll yearn for his success and happiness, so she'll encourage him to take the right path. But one thing is certain: it doesn't matter if he ever manages to walk that path. She'll love him and wait for him with open arms regardless of how far he strays from her. She loves him always, and no force in the universe is strong enough to get in between this love.

A boy knows this. He internalizes this. From the time he is born until about the time he enters adolescence, it is the foundational piece of his identity. It's his only conception of love.

He believes--because he has never experienced the opposite--that everyone must be loved like this all the time. He walks through life with that suit of love armor. Nothing can ever really go wrong, because nothing he does would ever be enough to break the armor. He is invincible.

Because he is full of love, he will be eager to share it with others. He instinctively feels the value of being good and wanting the best for others. Though he is not perfect, he will generally prioritize this.

A boy gets a glimpse of what it's like to be a man the first time he sees that this armor is just a rosy filter that obscures the real world.

The moment is a culmination of two factors:

1. He desires approval from someone (usually a female) other than his mother.
2. He is denied that approval due to a trait he did not previously consider to be a weakness.

The moment itself may manifest in different ways. The approval could have been openly solicited.

Just ask her bro. The worst she can do is permanently alter your perspective on love and happiness.

Or it could be completely unsolicited. Many men know the feeling of being rejected when they didn't even think of asking in the first place.

Oh, you mean Anon? No, I'd never date him. He's too [short/fat/ugly/nerdy]! Lol

This is the first wound that can't be made better by his mother's reassurance. The first problem she can't fix for him. His first rejection. His first vulnerability.

The approval he enjoyed from his mother may have even included praise for things that girls dislike about him. His intelligence. His observance of rules. His politeness. His unwillingness to make others uncomfortable for his own gain. Not only do these things not advance his cause in the dating world, they are a detriment.

This forces the boy to reimagine the world.

What Happens When Reality Conflicts with Fantasy

Though the sense of a break from that which is comfortable (the mother's love) is the catalyst for the feeling of rejection, the driving factor behind the intensity of the feeling is the messaging boys receive from narratives.

As children who are not really exposed to the outside world, the primary way we come to understand it is through narratives. These narratives come in the form of stories like books and movies, but also through the news and current events as related to us by adults.

When it comes to love, almost every story that boys are exposed to is... optimistic, to say the least. In general they teach us that men will receive love for the virtuous qualities they possess. Traits like honesty, integrity, selflessness. Rarely humor. Never sadism, cruelty, abrasiveness, cockiness, and never for intentionally modifying oneself for approval.

A boy is taught that being a good person is the most important trait he can possess. And even though this is actually true, it doesn't bring him the thing he desires most: love and approval. Reality shows us exactly the opposite. It shows men of low character, men who cheat, lie, steal, break laws, and ignore social norms easily win the affection of women. Reality shows us that women by far prefer a man who lives life with reckless abandon to a stable, hardworking, and polite one.

The love he gets from his mother does nothing to disprove this. It's not based on him being a good person, either. In fact she is very likely to ignore the negative traits he has in favor of the positives. Worse, she may say that his negative traits are positive. At this stage, the fact that her love is so unwavering cheapens it in his mind. It becomes worthless to him because he is quickly learning that her love doesn't actually help him do anything. It starts to feel like a crutch. At the worst of times, a burden.

A boy on the precipice of manhood must reconcile three truths:

1. His mother's love is no longer a source of strength, but a potential source of weakness.
2. His mother's love is unrelated to the love that other women have to give.
3. Reality has shown him that his goodness will not generate female approval.

A Man Has to Know what Love Really Is

Everything a man has in his life he must forge for himself. Love is no exception.

A boy, who is now becoming a man, is faced with the above realizations and has a choice to make. In many cases, he may progress through all of these stages.

1. He Can Run from the World

He can choose to retreat into the safety of his mother's love.

This is by far the worst option. It involves ignoring the approval of the outside world and clinging to the safe and guaranteed love of his mother. There is no challenge here and therefore no opportunity to grow. A boy who chooses this option is choosing a permanent comfort in place of temporary but inspiring pain.

He will never burn himself in the crucible of trial and error. He will not expose himself to darkness so that he can find the light. He will not let the little boy die so that the man can take his place.

He will remain a boy forever, or he will evolve.

2. He Can Decide that Love isn't Real

A young man can simply choose to deny that love is even real, and settle for physical satisfaction.

This option is preferable to #1 in that it can lead to a productive and successful man, but it's not yet optimal.

A boy choosing this option doesn't understand love. In a way he can be forgiven for refusing to believe in something he can't see. He will alter himself to obtain women but refuse to believe that they're truly capable of caring for him. He will cultivate the dark traits that attract women without regard to how they affect the world around him. He will eliminate his own vulnerability, but this means he has to feast on the vulnerability of others.

The irony is that by steeling himself against heartbreak, he also steels himself against the possibility of love, further reinforcing his notion that it doesn't exist in the first place.

3. He Can Properly Adjust Himself to Reality

Finally, a man can accept that love is real, but that it will never look like the love he knew as a boy.

A man must understand why dark traits are so attractive to women, and why they use those traits as proxies for true masculinity.

This option is the correct path because it solves two important problems for him.

1. It allows him to accept his mother's love for what it is and properly relate himself to it. It's not a source of weakness or strength. It's a form of feminine sacrifice that was necessary for his growth, and a trait he should prioritize in a wife.
2. It allows him to understand his role as a man.

The second correction is the most important, and in my view is the primary threshold that separates boys from men.

Weak Men are Dangerous

A man must be a resource. He must be capable of building and sustaining. He must produce things to a high standard. He must not rely on others for things he can do himself. This is true masculine competence, and it's this trait alone that builds society and keeps it moving forward.

Women desire these traits instinctively, but they do not understand why. They want a strong man, but can't distinguish between strength and brutality. They want a kind man, but despise weakness. They want security, but can't distinguish between fear and caution. Most importantly, they will mistake the appearance of a thing for the thing itself. A woman will see a reckless, brutal, over-confident man and assume he has good reason to be that way. They will see a man of high-status and assume he did something to deserve that status. They will see a man who attracts many women and assume this is due to some inherent quality in him, even if they can't see what it is. This is why men who don't care about love can still attract women: learning to signal true masculinity is as good as the real thing in the eyes of women.

But the flaw in this is obvious. If every man ignored the true demands of manhood in favor of the shallow signals that win the approval of women, society would crumble to dust. And the problem runs deep. The shallow path is so much easier. Learning to signal your value to women without actually needing to be valuable in any way is as easy as watching a few YouTube videos. Earning the affection and sexual gratification of women can sustain a man throughout his entire prime, wasting his productive years. It's only when he's old and incapable of keeping that affection through true virtues that he'll feel the pain of this path. But by then he is no longer capable of contributing to a beautiful and prosperous world.

In short, if men care about sustaining a stable society for future generations, we must prioritize what's good for the world over what's temporarily gratifying for us. This is the final challenge of masculinity. Taking the more difficult road not because it will lead to greater rewards, but because it's the right thing to do.

But the good news is that taking this path does not mean a man won't know love. If done right, he will know love and more importantly, he will be capable of loving himself. He will nourish his own self-esteem with a clean conscience. He will get as close as he possibly can to that pure and divine love he knew as a boy. He will ensure that this love still exists for generations of boys to come.

A Man Must Show Women what They Really Want

In general, women will never be able to distinguish true competence from the appearance of it. There are many reasons for this, but frankly none of them are relevant here. We're men, so let's deal with reality. This is a fact. What do we do with it?

You can choose to live your life for the approval of women, ignoring what's good for society and your fellow man in favor of instant sexual gratification. This path is more accessible than ever before. There's a million "masculinity gurus" on social media who will teach you what to say, what to wear, and how to act. It will work. You'll score with hot chicks and if you get really good at it, you'll drown in the pleasure while the world burns around you. If you're bad at it, you'll pander to them politically and socially and just add more fuel to the fire.

Or, you can choose the more difficult path. You can choose to integrate the dark traits that women love in a healthy and productive way. You can seek to understand what women like and then dig deeper to find what they're really after. Women are not evil--but they are shortsighted. They also desire a healthy and stable society. They want love. They want a better world for their children. But they need guidance.

Consider the true form of the virtues that describe a lovable man.

Women hate nice guys. A lovable man is therefore not nice, but kind. A nice man has no standards for others. A kind man treats others the way they deserve to be treated. This means showing grace and patience where it's deserved, but not letting anyone take advantage of him or those he cares about.

Women desire aloofness. They want men who don't need them. Who may even seem to not care about them at all. This seems paradoxical, but it's part and parcel of a woman's chase for comfort and security; for women, there is nothing so terrifying as being needed. Imagine being as small and weak and emotionally scattered as a woman, and a man needing you around. Preferable by far is a man who literally doesn't care if she lives or dies. At least she won't be responsible for him. Men, understanding this, and wanting to protect their own emotions, may cut themselves off from the possibility of love (see phase 2 above).

But love escapes a man who cannot show it.

A lovable man is therefore not needy, and not actually emotionally unavailable, but secure. He is a source of strength for others. He does not need, because he is the thing that is needed. If he shows love, and that love is not returned to him, it does not affect his confidence, because his self-esteem does not stem from the approval of others. If a woman seeks to control him, he knows that he can never allow it, and she will be grateful for this underneath her protests. If she is so masculinized that this causes her to leave him, so be it. She is a lost cause.

Women are afraid of men. A lovable man is therefore not brutal, but strong. A brutal man can be feared, but never loved. A strong man is a fortress for others. They value his input and seek it often instead of hiding problems from him and letting them fester and become impossible to fix.

Women desire security. A lovable man therefore does not only consume, but produces. A man who only consumes may know many things but not understand how to put them into practice. A productive man sharpens himself by doing. He has made many mistakes and understands how to avoid them as a result.

Women hate weakness. A lovable man is therefore not fearful, but cautious. A fearful man will avoid responsibility. He will defer to her on matters of importance, thrusting responsibility onto her--her greatest fear. A cautious man will embrace responsibility and use it to guide himself and others through treacherous terrain. He understands there are demons in the world that must be defeated, but that he must engage them wisely. Importantly, he also consciously believes he's the right man to do it.

I could keep going on these, and maybe in another post I will, but I hope I've made this point clear enough: there are good reasons underlying women's preferences, and righteous ways to harness those preferences to lead women to what is ultimately good for everyone.

A Man Leads

As a man, you will be required to painfully and slowly build yourself into something.

You can spend a life's worth of effort soothing that hurt little boy inside of you by learning how to seduce women. They are not really that challenging in this regard, so you will experience success that you are at risk of mistaking for true competence. I won't even say that you won't know happiness from this path. I think that some men can succeed so much in this pursuit that it could easily sustain them for their entire lives. However, I can't respect this choice because, ultimately, it's self-serving and contributes to a culture of degeneracy. If you only care about yourself, I won't try to talk you out of it, but I have no more advice for you.

If you, like me, are convinced there is an order to this world, that we are placed on Earth to sustain the goodness and glory of all creation, that we have a responsibility to ourselves, one another, and our creator to try and do the right thing, then choose the more difficult option.

The world is corrupt and hurdling down a dark road, but it's never hopeless as long as there is even one man walking the righteous path. I have hope because men better than me still exist and are on that path as we speak. I want to add to them. I don't care anymore about racking up my body count on scores of lost and confused women. There's no real challenge in it and the rewards are hardly worth the effort. I'd rather take pride in leading myself, and the satisfaction of knowing that whatever my outcome is, I did my best to sustain and progress society, instead of giving up during a period of time where strength was required above all else.

It will only take one generation of men working to clean up the mess that is our current world.

Let's get after it.